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well now, i've had a bunch of girlfriends.
my first girlfriend was named Classical Music, she was very beautiful and full of passion, but as one could logically infer from those first 2 qualities, she was also extremely high-maintenance. she demanded all my time and attention, and was so jealous, that i wasnt allowed to hang out with or even speak to any other girls. i was always walking on eggshells around her, it was like she was just waiting for me to screw up. she was very hard to please, in addition to being extremely conservative and confining. i had to break it off eventually because i realized i was never going to be the man she wanted me to be. there was someone else perfect for the job, i assured myself.
then i started seeing this girl named Heavy Metal. she was dark, powerful and intense; being around her made me in turn feel powerful. we had some good times but i realized she was kindof an angry person, and being with her required me to cultivate and maintain a constant feeling of anger. i would want to go frolic in meadows whereas she would want to just sit in her room all day and read about castles, dragons, war and dungeons. she not only didnt understand but made fun of my love for things like sunsets, flowers and rainbows. finally i realized she was a total goth chick and i was over it.
then i met my first wife: a southern belle named Bluegrass who came off at first like a lovable beautiful free spirit forest nymph. we dated for a long time, and she taught me alot about myself. she really did know how to party, and if she was having fun, everyone around would be as well. her lovely slow accent and timeless american charm had totally wrapped me up, and we got married. but things changed when she became my wife. as time went on, i found out that she was not quite such a free spirit as i'd imagined. she was very conservative and had a narrow world view. she had hardly ever been out of the south. i tried taking her to new places, some of which she liked, but she kept criticizing me for my fashion choices and for not being on time. her deep southern drawl started sounding foreign instead of endearing, and our relationship started to unravel.
after i filed for divorce, i began seeing a fancy sleek tall beauty named Jazz. she loved to stay up late at night and take walks. she was incredibly intellectual, in fact most of the time way over my head. her verbose ramblings obscured her natural beauty, and i started feeling quite emotionally disconnected from her. also, i was a man of the woods, and she was a total city chick. she, like heavy metal, couldnt relate to my love for the natural world.
frustrated, i went to europe. i hooked up with a chick named Romanian Music, she was really hot but really really weird. i liked this girl named Swedish Music, but all she ever did was talk about the king. i flirted with The Blues, too slow. i made out with Techno, too intense.
then as i was walking through amsterdam's red light district, just planning to go home, i saw a stunning prostitute through a window, who motioned to me. i stopped and stared, as if in a trance, but shook my head and walked on. about a mile later, i still couldnt get her out of my head. infected, i ran to an atm and ran all the way back. she welcomed me in and said her name was Pop Music. what happened that night was pure glittery magic. but, she was a hooker. i didnt care. i was determined to win her over. now there comes a time in most men's lives where they get wrapped up in some materialistic woman and lose sight of who they really are. this was my time. she would yell at me for wearing the wrong type of socks, for not spiking my hair just so, for being ignorant of current trends. giving her a gift was the most terrifying experience because she would get extremely upset and publically lambast me if i'd chosen the wrong present. she went to great lengths to fit in with her huge circle of "friends". i found out the easiest way to win her favor was to spend lots of money on her. but, i had limited resources, and when i found myself alienated from all my friends and penniless on a foreign sidewalk, i was forced to re-evaluate.
i flew back to america, and after a long and difficult legal battle, my divorce from Bluegrass was finalized, and i felt tremendously liberated. i spent days jumping for joy. sure sometimes i missed that southern sweetness, but does coating cell bars in honey make prison much sweeter a prospect?
anyhow, i was walking down the street one day and this really interesting-looking girl was walking beside me. "you look cool", she said, "lets go down to the river". so we rolled up our jeans and sat with our feet in the river and talked for hours. she was really cool, and incredibly open-minded. we started dating and things only got better. i could be 3 minutes late or 3 hours late, she forgave me. i could have bought her a turd and she would've been grateful. "its the thought that counts," she'd say. i felt free to be totally and completely myself, to wear whatever weird clothes/jewelry/hairstyles i wanted, to say whatever was on my mind, and dance like an idiot if i wanted to. she and i would race down the street together singing at the top of our lungs, lavishly sniffing flowers, not caring what anybody might be thinking. i was beside myself with joy, and finally i placed a twine ring on her finger. she cried tears of joy. that was good enough for her, she didnt need gold. and then, we got married, and have been happy to this day. her name is Rock n Roll.
recently we had a daughter, who we named Sneth. she is very cute, talented and friendly, and is going to be unlike any other girl, ever. i hope she finds a worthy man.